As dictated to the Jack of Ass

Tim the Soldier was born a poor white child in Washington D.C. on October 26, 1966 . His father was an assistant manager of a budding new retail store called SS Kresge that later became K-Mart. He spent his formative years in Kenner, LA (a suburb of New Orleans), and his high school and college years in Georgia. After graduating from Valdosta State University with a degree in Sociology, he joined the U.S. Army in 1990, learned to speak Korean at the Defense Language Institute, and became a SIGINT (signals intelligence) analyst. He's currently working for NSA Hawaii (yes, that's THE National Security Agency you've been hearing about in the New York Times).

Tim's ex-wife is from Amursk, Russia, their daughter Marina is fluent in both languages but prefers chocolate cereal. He has two chinese pugs named Stopka and Lucy. Stopka is a dominant male that barks at strangers but quickly warms up to friendly people. Lucy loves everyone at first sight and eats cat poo.

Tim the Soldier admires: Al Franken, Dean & Rosemary Esmay, Colin Powell, James Carville, Larry David, George Costanza (yes, I know he's a fictional character BABY!), Carl Hiassen, historian John Keegan, Bono, Jon Stewart & crew, Spike Lee, Michael Mann, Alan Alda and nipples.

Tim the Soldier does NOT admire: Fox "News", Maxine Waters, Paula Abdul, Michael Moore, Michael Jackson, Boy Bands, Rubber Bands, Bill Bennett, slot machines, Barry Bonds, bail bonds, and nipple-piercing.

(Above Stopka, below Poo-eater Lucy)